This post took quite a bit of courage and I hope I don't offend anyone, that is not my intention by this post.
A few disclaimers on this post, 1. I will be very honest in this post and this is about me, 2. this post is written out of frustration with an eroding culture and how it affected me personally and 3. This is something I am passionate about.
To start off, a little history about me, these will pertain to this. I’ve never dated, but please don’t decide I don’t need to read this because of that. I’m a virgin, see above. Easy to say you might think, not in today’s culture. You don’t have to date to lose your virginity, however you do have to live in a hole to not know that this is a disappearing part of my generation and the future generations. I am not one to solely run with one type of crowd, those like me. I know more, then sometimes I want to, about sex and dating and relationships then most would think for someone with the above listed criteria. Again, I spend time in crowds not like me. What I’m alluding to is I might be a virgin, however I’m far from ignorant. I hope this post can reach more than just those who have waited in the sexual area, for whatever reason.
As I said earlier, I am passionate about the topic of saving sex for marriage and I am frustrated with how our culture responds to sex and those who wait. This comes out of an experience I’ve recently had.
This is me, new in town trying to make friends. I befriend a kind guy, with an interesting story. Right off the bat I had the feeling, that he is interested in being more than friends. Being in need of friends I brush off my typical instinct, push away anyone with interest, and he was attractive, decide to give this “whatever” a try. I’m hoping in my mind that my instinct is incorrect, that I could gain a friend and not have to deal with a relationship mess. After one time of spending time together I know that his intentions are different than mine. I go along with this, hoping that I would be able to push towards the let’s be friends. I mean I’m looking for friendships… We spend an evening hanging out, I’m trying to get to know him...he’s still in the let’s be more than friends mode. At this point I’m not opposed, but not committed. Then this is where it all goes wrong. Making out happens and he begins to try and push me past kissing. Big signals from earlier, should have known. Thanks to ridiculous self discipline and a commanding (demanding, depends on who you ask) personality I stop him. This leads to questioning, over and over and over. Why not? Can we go a little further? Have you had a boyfriend? A girlfriend? I’m then angry, he can sense this and begins to not press as much, but still questions (honestly he was curious as to why). The night ended with conversation and I sent him on his way. After I couldn’t sleep and thoughts were running through my head, why do I choose this, what does this mean, is this why I’ve always been single? So out of this frustration I found the courage to write this piece.
As stated earlier I don’t run with a crowd similar to me, I tend to spend time with a variety of people. However, My closest “advisors” friends do share my opinion on this topic, along with many other topics. So I am used to the barrage of questions that come when people find out (a) you have been single all of your life and (b) you are virgin. Somehow this is a phenomenon. I’m not surprised, if you watch any form of media you understand where the pressure comes from. These question can be tiring. Most recent and common is the question well do you even like the opposite gender? First why does that have to be a question, whatever you believe on that topic I don’t think it is appropriate to question someone’s sexual orientation because they are single. Be sensitive people. The next question is always how do you do it? Well one it’s easy being single...ha! It’s not we are human and we are made for intimacy, unless called to celibacy. It’s not easy and it requires patience, or complaining, self-control or self-pity or whatever the singleness coping mechanism may be. Another question I get is, are you waiting because you are religious? Yes I am “religious” or whatever term you want to label me, No I’m not waiting just because some religion said that I should. I have a firm belief for multiple reasons, religion being on the lower end, as to why I want to save that intimacy for a lasting and committed relationship, i.e., marriage.
I know I’m not the only one hearing these questions, because I know I’m not the only virgin, however I have been told good luck finding someone else who is a virgin, but who gives these people permission to question my belief. I’m not questioning your morals that you have. This is where my disbelief goes away. No wonder we live in a culture that it’s “normal” to have experience. We’re ashamed of that fact that we haven’t “gone all the way” or how many partners we’ve had or lack there of. Last I checked it’s not a game or a scorebook. What really ruffled my feathers the other night was that I was put in a box immediately because I had never had sex. That someone chose to make a judgement about me based on me saying no to one thing. That someone assumed that I’m a prude or a square because I have a belief I stand firmly by. That someone chose to not take the time to get to know me as a person because I wasn’t willing to go all the way physically.
This breaks my heart because it lets me know the state of our culture, I’m putting things in a box, but it’s a sad state. A point where if you aren’t willing to give yourself up physically, you aren’t willing to be known. This applies to males, females, gays and straights. Have we stooped so low that we are animals with only one instinct? Did we lose the value of relationship, that’s what we call it when we’re “dating” someone. Are we relational if all we do is “mess around?” I could tell you a little bit about the person in the earlier story but I wasn’t attached him emotionally first. He wanted to skip a crucial step in being in a committed relationship and it hurt. It made me angry, honestly.
I write this post because afterwards, I felt strong. I was crushed because someone only valued me for my body but I felt strong for saying no and walking away. I want to encourage anyone who has the ability to say no, whether you’ve gone all the way or haven’t yet. Have the courage to evaluate the quality of the relationship and stand up for what is right. I also write this article because, I feel there is so much shame on this topic and I want to be the first to say I might be a virgin and have been single all my life but that doesn’t mean I haven’t made relationship decisions that I’m not proud of. However, I have had experiences that have brought me to a place to say you can live but set boundaries for yourself. Know your limits and be willing to say no. I know this isn’t an easy topic to discuss but at least be honest with yourself and where you truly stand. Don’t believe the lie that everyone has done it, or that cause you’ve done it before it’s too late. We have the ability to make choices that are separate from past actions.
I hope this honesty didn’t offend anyone and that it might encourage some. For those that are still single, stand strong for you don’t believe the lies that are out there.
