My heart on recent happenings

With all this talk about depression and suicide we always turn to the questions; why couldn't they ask for help? Couldn't people see they were hurting? Where was their family? Did they show signs? So many other questions can be asked. First of all I have to say depression is real! But it's not black and white. You don't just wake up one day and say "oh ya, I'm depressed." I don't know the science behind it but it's some brain chemistry, some personality, some environment and some just trying to be strong for so long you can't anymore.
In light of the talk surrounding Robin Williams, I want to share my story, my brief but powerful understanding of depression. I wasn't clinically diagnosed or anything official but those around me and the understanding of what I went through and how I still struggle today there are possibilities that I had/have some levels of depression.
I took a job in a new place, thinking that this was some bright new opportunity. It was and to this day I know that it just want the right place and time for me. With that kind of change comes expectation and reality. Needless to say reality fell far from expectation, maybe just because of my perspective.
Everyday in this beautiful place with this great opportunity I slowly started to lose bits of myself. I would get angry easier, and brush it off as stress. I would feel lonely while trying to make friends and push it aside as just difficulties making new friends in a new place. Then the things I loved started to lose their flavor and appeal. And then I started down the path of difficulty doing tasks for work and everyday. I'll admit this was a rapid decline and it in many ways is due to my stubborn and excessively independent nature. I do have difficulty asking for help. So here I was in a beautiful place with a potential dream job and I couldn't find wholeness or happiness. I told someone that it felt like my joy was taken away. It hurt but I still couldn't find a way out. Then one day after talking with my dear mom, she helped me realize I was pushing myself further from who I wanted to be that in some people's eyes I was becoming depressed.
I'm grateful the story for me ended well. I left the job and the place to return to family and friends. However, prior to leaving I leaned of a few suicides that hit close to home for me and made me see the light in my own life and gave me a glimpse into others lives. Sadly their stories didn't end well and others were hurt along the way. But for me the reality of what depression and despair were became more clear to me. I understood that it's not something you choose. That it isn't blank and white. That it's different for everyone and that it's hard to spot the signs. It's so easy to try and hold it all together, to make it look like everything is ok. When in reality the brokenness inside is too hard to handle and life doesn't seem worth living.
I know that each story is different. I also know that asking for help isn't easy, and that sometimes you don't know how much help you need. My heart breaks for those that don't see a way out other than taking their life. Even more my heart breaks for those who are left behind with so many unanswered questions. The reality is tough and it's that being broken is part of the human condition. Being able to admit that you're broken and need help requires strength and courage that is hard to find. It requires humility to be vulnerable and to let others see the pain. But it can save lives. It can minimize the pain for others and open an avenue for all of us to admit our brokenness.
So in light of a sad loss to the world remember that there are others who might not have the strength and the courage or even the understanding that they need help. Can we look at each person everyday and remember we're all broken on the inside. Then ask yourself how can I help another person feel more whole? For me it took removing myself from an environment. For others, who knows? Let's each take time everyday to notice those heading to the fringes, spiraling down a path they might not realize.