My heart on recent happenings

With all this talk about depression and suicide we always turn to the questions; why couldn't they ask for help? Couldn't people see they were hurting? Where was their family? Did they show signs? So many other questions can be asked. First of all I have to say depression is real! But it's not black and white. You don't just wake up one day and say "oh ya, I'm depressed." I don't know the science behind it but it's some brain chemistry, some personality, some environment and some just trying to be strong for so long you can't anymore.
In light of the talk surrounding Robin Williams, I want to share my story, my brief but powerful understanding of depression. I wasn't clinically diagnosed or anything official but those around me and the understanding of what I went through and how I still struggle today there are possibilities that I had/have some levels of depression.
I took a job in a new place, thinking that this was some bright new opportunity. It was and to this day I know that it just want the right place and time for me. With that kind of change comes expectation and reality. Needless to say reality fell far from expectation, maybe just because of my perspective.
Everyday in this beautiful place with this great opportunity I slowly started to lose bits of myself. I would get angry easier, and brush it off as stress. I would feel lonely while trying to make friends and push it aside as just difficulties making new friends in a new place. Then the things I loved started to lose their flavor and appeal. And then I started down the path of difficulty doing tasks for work and everyday. I'll admit this was a rapid decline and it in many ways is due to my stubborn and excessively independent nature. I do have difficulty asking for help. So here I was in a beautiful place with a potential dream job and I couldn't find wholeness or happiness. I told someone that it felt like my joy was taken away. It hurt but I still couldn't find a way out. Then one day after talking with my dear mom, she helped me realize I was pushing myself further from who I wanted to be that in some people's eyes I was becoming depressed.
I'm grateful the story for me ended well. I left the job and the place to return to family and friends. However, prior to leaving I leaned of a few suicides that hit close to home for me and made me see the light in my own life and gave me a glimpse into others lives. Sadly their stories didn't end well and others were hurt along the way. But for me the reality of what depression and despair were became more clear to me. I understood that it's not something you choose. That it isn't blank and white. That it's different for everyone and that it's hard to spot the signs. It's so easy to try and hold it all together, to make it look like everything is ok. When in reality the brokenness inside is too hard to handle and life doesn't seem worth living.
I know that each story is different. I also know that asking for help isn't easy, and that sometimes you don't know how much help you need. My heart breaks for those that don't see a way out other than taking their life. Even more my heart breaks for those who are left behind with so many unanswered questions. The reality is tough and it's that being broken is part of the human condition. Being able to admit that you're broken and need help requires strength and courage that is hard to find. It requires humility to be vulnerable and to let others see the pain. But it can save lives. It can minimize the pain for others and open an avenue for all of us to admit our brokenness.
So in light of a sad loss to the world remember that there are others who might not have the strength and the courage or even the understanding that they need help. Can we look at each person everyday and remember we're all broken on the inside. Then ask yourself how can I help another person feel more whole? For me it took removing myself from an environment. For others, who knows? Let's each take time everyday to notice those heading to the fringes, spiraling down a path they might not realize.

This was a tough one

This post took quite a bit of courage and I hope I don't offend anyone, that is not my intention by this post.

A few disclaimers on this post, 1. I will be very honest in this post and this is about me, 2. this post is written out of frustration with an eroding culture and how it affected me personally and 3. This is something I am passionate about.

To start off, a little history about me, these will pertain to this. I’ve never dated, but please don’t decide I don’t need to read this because of that. I’m a virgin, see above. Easy to say you might think, not in today’s culture. You don’t have to date to lose your virginity, however you do have to live in a hole to not know that this is a disappearing part of my generation and the future generations. I am not one to solely run with one type of crowd, those like me. I know more, then sometimes I want to, about sex and dating and relationships then most would think for someone with the above listed criteria. Again, I spend time in crowds not like me. What I’m alluding to is I might be a virgin, however I’m far from ignorant. I hope this post can reach more than just those who have waited in the sexual area, for whatever reason.

As I said earlier, I am passionate about the topic of saving sex for marriage and I am frustrated with how our culture responds to sex and those who wait. This comes out of an experience I’ve recently had.

This is me, new in town trying to make friends. I befriend a kind guy, with an interesting story. Right off the bat I had the feeling, that he is interested in being more than friends. Being in need of friends I brush off my typical instinct, push away anyone with interest, and he was attractive, decide to give this “whatever” a try. I’m hoping in my mind that my instinct is incorrect, that I could gain a friend and not have to deal with a relationship mess. After one time of spending time together I know that his intentions are different than mine. I go along with this, hoping that I would be able to push towards the let’s be friends. I mean I’m looking for friendships… We spend an evening hanging out, I’m trying to get to know him...he’s still in the let’s be more than friends mode. At this point I’m not opposed, but not committed. Then this is where it all goes wrong. Making out happens and he begins to try and push me past kissing. Big signals from earlier, should have known. Thanks to ridiculous self discipline and a commanding (demanding, depends on who you ask) personality I stop him. This leads to questioning, over and over and over. Why not? Can we go a little further? Have you had a boyfriend? A girlfriend? I’m then angry, he can sense this and begins to not press as much, but still questions (honestly he was curious as to why). The night ended with conversation and I sent him on his way. After I couldn’t sleep and thoughts were running through my head, why do I choose this, what does this mean, is this why I’ve always been single? So out of this frustration I found the courage to write this piece.

As stated earlier I don’t run with a crowd similar to me, I tend to spend time with a variety of people. However, My closest “advisors” friends do share my opinion on this topic, along with many other topics. So I am used to the barrage of questions that come when people find out (a) you have been single all of your life and (b) you are virgin. Somehow this is a phenomenon. I’m not surprised, if you watch any form of media you understand where the pressure comes from. These question can be tiring. Most recent and common is the question well do you even like the opposite gender? First why does that have to be a question, whatever you believe on that topic I don’t think it is appropriate to question someone’s sexual orientation because they are single. Be sensitive people. The next question is always how do you do it? Well one it’s easy being single...ha! It’s not we are human and we are made for intimacy, unless called to celibacy. It’s not easy and it requires patience, or complaining, self-control or self-pity or whatever the singleness coping mechanism may be. Another question I get is, are you waiting because you are religious? Yes I am “religious” or whatever term you want to label me, No I’m not waiting just because some religion said that I should. I have a firm belief for multiple reasons, religion being on the lower end, as to why I want to save that intimacy for a lasting and committed relationship, i.e., marriage.

I know I’m not the only one hearing these questions, because I know I’m not the only virgin, however I have been told good luck finding someone else who is a virgin, but who gives these people permission to question my belief. I’m not questioning your morals that you have. This is where my disbelief goes away. No wonder we live in a culture that it’s “normal” to have experience. We’re ashamed of that fact that we haven’t “gone all the way” or how many partners we’ve had or lack there of. Last I checked it’s not a game or a scorebook. What really ruffled my feathers the other night was that I was put in a box immediately because I had never had sex. That someone chose to make a judgement about me based on me saying no to one thing. That someone assumed that I’m a prude or a square because I have a belief I stand firmly by. That someone chose to not take the time to get to know me as a person because I wasn’t willing to go all the way physically.

This breaks my heart because it lets me know the state of our culture, I’m putting things in a box, but it’s a sad state. A point where if you aren’t willing to give yourself up physically, you aren’t willing to be known. This applies to males, females, gays and straights. Have we stooped so low that we are animals with only one instinct? Did we lose the value of relationship, that’s what we call it when we’re “dating” someone. Are we relational if all we do is “mess around?” I could tell you a little bit about the person in the earlier story but I wasn’t attached him emotionally first. He wanted to skip a crucial step in being in a committed relationship and it hurt. It made me angry, honestly.

I write this post because afterwards, I felt strong. I was crushed because someone only valued me for my body but I felt strong for saying no and walking away. I want to encourage anyone who has the ability to say no, whether you’ve gone all the way or haven’t yet. Have the courage to evaluate the quality of the relationship and stand up for what is right. I also write this article because, I feel there is so much shame on this topic and I want to be the first to say I might be a virgin and have been single all my life but that doesn’t mean I haven’t made relationship decisions that I’m not proud of. However, I have had experiences that have brought me to a place to say you can live but set boundaries for yourself. Know your limits and be willing to say no. I know this isn’t an easy topic to discuss but at least be honest with yourself and where you truly stand. Don’t believe the lie that everyone has done it, or that cause you’ve done it before it’s too late. We have the ability to make choices that are separate from past actions.

I hope this honesty didn’t offend anyone and that it might encourage some. For those that are still single, stand strong for you don’t believe the lies that are out there.

Passion for...

So I would have to say I am a passionate person, read the rest of my posts and you will see this!  As most passionate people this can be good and can be misdirected.  My passion is righting the injustice to children, I find joy in working with the less fortunate and those children who have a story that would make most of us feel squeamish.

This passion however is not for everyone, I have a history with it and it has become a part of my life, my heart. So many times I want people to come behind me in my passions, to see how I see the world. They can't, that emotion about that specific cause is not instilled in them like it is in me.

When I get the chance to be involved in something I'm passionate about I just want to get everyone on board, and sometimes this works, sometimes people volunteer, or give money. But I have realized, it's not necessarily that people need to be passionate about that specific area, but that they can be passionate about something.

So my challenge goes out to all to find something that you can get behind and help out with. To bring passion into your life.  The opportunities are out there, from helping helpless animals to kids to the environment. There is a cause that anyone can help out with.

Running Grateful

Running is a part of my life, and definitely part of my genes.  I try to get away from it and always come back to this solo and inspiring sport. So as one would guess I learn and understand quite a bit while running. This post was inspired while running a half marathon.


I had run this race before and had known how humbling it was so being knocked down a few notches running this quite challenging race wasn't a surprise.  What was learned from this race is the question I plan to  answer. I chose to run this race with my dad, it's something we do now, torture ourselves in distance road races...don't ask why, weird therapy I guess.  Anyway so my original goal in the race was to keep up with my dad, then to keep up or beat my friend (Rob) who ran the race with an athlete in tandem (pushing a athlete who is unable to run in a wheelchair of sorts).  As per my usual I didn't train well for this race, no hill or speed training, just a few longer runs here and there.  The course has a hill on it known as "Monster Hill" or "Golgotha" for it's grueling incline. That being said, for one to do well they should train.  So I put myself in a great place to learn a little humility, especially because I have quite the mouth and will trash talk a little bit. 


I started the race out keeping up with my dad, for approximately 2 minutes, he then took off and my thought was well I can maybe keep up. I quickly realized that was a pipe dream and chose to focus on my own pace and enjoy the race. I finished the first and second hill and was passed by one of Rob's teammates with an athlete in tandem, I was taken aback grateful however that it wasn't Rob (my competitive spirit came out).  This is when my brain started processing some ideas. I was then passed by another athlete team, at this point one word kept running through my head, GRATEFUL. What it meant I wasn't far from understanding.


Around mile 5 and about to climb hill number 3, I began to feel my lack of training, my feet began throbbing. My immediate thought was to pity myself, well you were just so busy helping others achieve there goals you couldn't train and work is really stressful. Then I thought about those who were passing me. My dad with a fulltime job and a family to take care of. Rob, who works fulltime and then was helping a fellow athlete. So I squashed the pity thoughts and continued to run to the best of my ability.  Not long after this point I was passed by a runner without arms, I don't know his story but I do know that I use my arms a good amount while running, especially when I haven't trained. So here I am a few minutes before trying to pity myself for not training and I'm passed by an athlete who isn't whole according to traditional standards.  More pain kicks in while running down the last hill followed by another runner sans arms. My thought is "really? really?", now realizing that maybe this race was to teach me something.


I'm now running and thinking more. Remembering the need to be grateful for all the little things. So I start small. Well I'm breathing, I think, it's labored breath and not consistent from lack of training but I'm still alive and breathing.  Then it's the fact that I do have a body that works and carries me through the miles that I push it through. Followed by thankfulness for the cool breeze keeping me from overheating on this hot day.  Now my mind is filled with thoughts of gratefulness for this event.  I continue to run, counting the miles hoping to finish soon. I hit the trail, which I consider the hardest part of this race, it's a mind game, over half way there and supposedly downhill, it never seems that easy from that point. I'm dragging beginning to walk some getting passed by more people who I think "I should be beating them!" Again I choose to change my thought pattern and smile. 


Then it hits, nearing the 5k left point I hear a familiar voice in the distance, it's Rob with his athlete catching up to me. My heart sinks, well at least my competitive heart does. I push to stay ahead, then it hits me run grateful. Grateful for every step forward! Grateful for the beauty that surrounds me! Grateful for every person I am running with on this day! Rob passes me and doesn't realize it, I slow again to a walk, hoping this race will finish yet somehow still grateful. As I finish the last of the race, I continue to keep this positive attitude of running grateful, I come into the finishline smiling (I hope) and sprinting, knowing that I finished well. I ran grateful! With a better time than the year before but not better then my PR on that race I finished with the best attitude I've ever had. I felt alive inside! I was ready to congratulate my "opponents" on a job well done.


So now as I look back on this race and what I've learned, well it's that really and truely attitude makes the difference. You can't necessarily change the physical circumstances of something but you sure can change your attitude. I hope that in the future I can continue to run grateful!

Chasing

So this one needs a disclaimer:
To those guy friends no matter how hard for us women to see you as only friends we(well I) value your relationships one hundred percent!


As a little kid, and even now, I used to chase the guys around.  You could find me at any point chasing, teasing and terrorizing the guys in my life. Now in my life it is more the teasing. 


I tend to be one of those girls with lots of guy friends, my buddies, where would I be without them. Well that is where this thought came from. Where would I be without the attention of men in my life. I love the attention enough that I am willing to lie to myself that I'm not bummed when someone isn't interested in me romantically cause, I would rather have some attention than none at all. This problem with going into friendships with the intention of just being friends, even though I play it off (or think I do) as just whatever, is it is really tough. I admit it I have a heart that desires to be loved by someone. The funniest part is when I say stuff like that I realize, "I am loved!" What is it that causes me to devalue the friendships that I have, to pursue romance, to CHASE after the next "10" on my list?


It would be so easy to put this off on culture..."romantic porn" you know those cheesy "rom coms" we watch and torture ourselves through. Or it could be that "oh so many of my friends are dating/getting married." Then there's the "well I'm bored so dating would spice up my life." (Writing these down is fairly humbling, I feel kind of silly knowing that I've entertained all of these excuses). So to get to my point why do I chase after romantic relationships?


It's this thing called a hole! I have one and I think most of us do. It's this hole that we try to fill to make us whole. Depending on the season I attempt to fill it with different things, but the most consistent for me is guys, just male attention in general. Well lately, over my life actually, I have realized each time I try to figure this out, that there really is only one thing that fills that hole that makes me feel complete. That hole is filled with my relationship with Jesus. He is the one never changing never leaving part of my life. When I look over my life and see patches of complete contentment the only constant is Him. This is not to say that I desire to spend my life single and without a companion. But what I do desire is that no matter who my companion be or where I'm at in life that I would not allow anyone but Jesus to have that place that fills that hole.  I want to be a complete person with and with out a significant other in my life. I want to be able to live life to the fullest no matter what my relationship status may be.  I want to quit chasing romance and start living a life that is full, and when romance comes my way I want it to be the cherry on top of a wonderful, fulfilling life. 


So I guess to end this what is that thing that you chase?  How does it get in the way of pursuing a relationship with Jesus of spending time being content with wherever life has you? For me it's not spending time allowing myself to know how much God loves me, and how much He shows me that through the people around me. I think it's awesome to just sit back and look at life from the outside and see it's beauty and not be caught in the  immediate. But at the same time to be fully present in the moments around us!

A Penny in the Dirt

I kept walking by this penny the other day not picking it up. About the 5th time I passed it, I started to think about why I hadn't picked the penny up. Then I realized that the penny was there for a purpose, to help me see a life lesson.
I hadn't picked up the penny because, I felt it had "no" value to me, it was only on cent, so what does that matter? However, that penny combined with other pennies would add up to more value. Then I started wondering, what if it was a collector item? Something with more value. Well I didn't pick up the penny but it taught me some life lessons.
In life people are like pennies, sometimes I take them only at face value. Then I brush past them, valuing them as less worthwhile then I need. So in reality I'm devaluing that person. Like a penny, people have individual worth. Though pennies may not be of much value to me by themselves they add up. Likewise, people with individual worth add up to increasing value when I allow them to be a part of my life, because their value plus mine adds up to more then what I was before I chose to see them as valuable.  Unlike the penny I found, which was made of cheap metal, people are all like collectors coins, worth more than what we see at face value.
So from a penny in the dust, I learned a life lesson. Don't pass over the people in front of you.

Taking off the Sandals

The beauty of a once a week Church gathering is that once a week we're reminded that we're in the presence of God. What if we made it a point daily to remember that we are in the presence of God. With that, comes the removal of our shoes. To come into the presence of God we have to remove the dirt that has traveled with us. That dirt is the sin that clings to our imperfect selves. By checking our hearts, similar to taking off the shoes, we remove the sin that makes us dirty. If we did this daily, what freedom would we experience? When this is done regularly it becomes, routine and easy. Then with sin that tries to build into footholds we don't allow it to gain strength. The clarity in our relationship with God grows as we first remove the distractions that fill our hearts.