All in all

The saying “You are my All in all” is a saying that I want to resound in my walk with God.  During some rough spells in my life this kept coming back to me.  I guess it is easy for God to be my All in all when I am down and lost, but what does that look like when I’m on the “easy” road of life and things are going fairly well?
In the song You are my All in all, the lyrics that stick out to me are “You are the treasure that I seek,” this lyric makes me think that this song is not just for when we’re down.  When at my lowest times I’m not seeking treasure, necessarily.  For God to be my All in all , I need Him to be everything all the time.  That is hard for me as human being with a strong will to comprehend.  I want to only give Him some control. Well He wants it all, so that He can be my All.  It’s a moment of complete surrender. I marvel though at the fact that when things aren’t working out my way, that’s when I want Jesus to be everything.  When the tide turns and I start thinking it’s because of me and not because of Jesus, that’s when I take back the control and He’s not my All.  I need a daily reminder that Jesus is my All in all.

I wish/ I am

This is a fairly old post from facebook, April 30, 2007


Do I really know myself?
Who am I?
How do others see me?

I wish I knew the answers to the questions in my head.
I feel like I am shallow, as if I only come to the surface.
But… really who am I?
I wish I knew!

I feel like I know myself, but… then is that just a cover.
I want to discover the real me.
Am I bouncy, hyper, energetic or… is that just to get attention?

I tell others I am transparent…but…I really am opaque.
I have two surfaces, one is open and see-through, the other is hidden… so hidden… I don’t even know it.
I wish I knew myself.
I wish I knew me inside out.

I’m not tough, no! …just tough-skinned.
I’m not unemotional… I’m just de-emotionalized.
I may never be beautiful in human eyes but… so what, who cares… GOD sees a beautiful me no one else does.
I flirt with the boys to get attention and then they run and hide.
I go to the gym to run and hide from my problems but they are still there when I come out.
I feel like my life is an online profile, where I only post what I want others to know about me.
I wish I could be real!

I don’t trust people.
I try to avoid emotion.
I am the chair that gets tripped over in the dark.
I am just standing waiting to be tripped on.
I am a leader because I don’t want to get left behind.
I am outgoing because otherwise I am invisible.
I am busy because otherwise I am consumed with worry, frustration and fear.
Fear of being alone.
Frustration with not measuring up.
I try to conform.
I want to be perfect to everyone.
I tease but don’t always like to be teased back.
I am something I don’t want to be.
I feel as if I annoy everybody and then they annoy me.
Why do I feel this way?

I am incomplete in Christ.
GOD sees me deep inside beyond this crap.
I wanna see myself.
I want to discover what’s under this cover.
I want to read the story that is inside of me.

Freedom in Grace

This is a post from my facebook December 15, 2010

About 9 years ago two boys left my family, they went back to live with their mom.  I loved those two little (then) guys! To this day I still love them and am blessed to see them when I get the chance.  When they left my family, I was crushed, mad at God, at their mom, at life, at the justice system at everything I thought that went wrong and the injustice that was served.  Throughout life I had struggled with anger (blamed mainly on my red hair) from a strong personality.  When the boys left the family that anger turned to bitterness and hate.  I hated the people who had taken those I loved from my life.  I struggled with this for years.  I would take my anger out on my siblings, those around me who I loved and trusted suffered.  I built up walls to block out those who could be lovable and who did love me dearly, they all still chose to love me, by the grace of God.  About a year after they left, I entrusted them to God ( i know this sounds silly, but in my 13yr old brain I couldn't release them to Him).  Not too long after I gave God that burden, my little sister (now) came into my family.  She was and still is a bundle of joy.  My willingness to surrender the boys allowed me to love again.  I was able to love and accept this little sister, and to this day she is my favorite sibling (only by a little) :).  The fight was not over, I still took anger and bitterness out on my poor brother, I am not proud of how I treated him, but he's my second favorite sibling now (again only by a little).  This bitterness I clung to until my senior year of high school, the summer after, I began to understand what grace was and how it was freeing.  I fought with my parents throughout that summer, mainly my mom, trying to earn her love. I didn't need to, she loved me (one of the most gracious and loving people) despite me trying to give her a reason.  To an extent, I wanted her to not love me so that I could earn her love (I know this sounds weird, but hey).  One day she took me aside and explained that no matter, and knowing my mom, no matter what I did she was going to love me unconditionally.  It was then that I understood, how to be loved and how to love completely.  I knew that to a greater extent that was how Christ loves us.  That was what grace was.  That God could send His Son to redeem a broken and lost people, trying with all their might to earn His love.  I knew then that all of the bitterness that I held, needed to given into God's hands for it to thrown as far as the east is from the west.  God did that for me and I found freedom.  I still have moments of anger, I'm human, but I can release that into His hands and allow him to take it. I knew how to love, granted sometimes I struggle loving people! :) And I began to learn how to be loved.  I am only explaining this to say that His grace is enough because today when I heard the news that those two precious boys had been in a car wreck with their mom, I found peace in that grace.  I was angry for a moment... as anyone should in that situation, but then trusted that He was in the midst of the situation.  As family members and friends struggled with emotions of anger, fear and worry,  I looked to the Savior for Grace to cover me.  God is in there right now watching over them and taking care of them.  If I had not been shown what grace really was, today would have been a heck of a lot harder! I guess this is kind of rambling but it's what was laid on my heart in today and I thought I would share!

<3 jojo

The Pain of Independence

Independence, some might call this freedom, or separation from others. What we call independence, or even self reliance, can be taken to the extreme. As I am realizing more about myself, I am understanding that my desire for independence is driven out of pride. Not wanting to rely on other people is out of fear that others will think that I'm not strong enough to do life on my own. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to do things on my own... I even told my parent's what they would call me. I, however am beginning to understand that this has been cultivated because of pride. 
I call this the pain of independence, because of the pain I allow myself to endure because I won't let others help me. For example while hiking with friends this spring, I injured my ankle pretty bad, due to my pride and desire to be "strong enough" I wouldn't allow my friends to help me (they forced help upon me...for which I am incredibly thankful).  Had I just swallowed my pride and recognized my need for others in my life, the physical pain would have been less.  Another example of this pain of independence, is my birthday, every year comes and goes and I fight the urge to tell people it's my birthday. I do this because, I don't want others to feel burdened by a day in my life.  However, most people enjoy the chance to celebrate a joyous occasion with others! When I don't share, I then feel lonely on that special day because I have, isolated myself from others therefore isolating myself from the joy of sharing a birthday celebration with friends. 
So this independence, which can be an incredible attribute, when mixed with pride is painful.  It not only can hurt emotionally, but also physically.  Along with those consequences, the pain is not just endured in oneself. When sharing life fully with other people, the experiences are multiplied, yes friends might share pain, but ultimately friends can share in joy and the good things in life even more.
What does it take to overcome this pride that separates me from the ones who just want to be a part of my life? It takes humility! Humility and independence do go hand-in-hand but in a much different capacity. Instead of being withdrawn from life, a healthy independent person is available to help and assist those in need. This need could look like being there for someone who needs a shoulder to cry on or even to receive advice from someone to build up and encourage them. Transferring pride to humility is not a fun process, but in the end is more freeing then independence in combination with pride.