Freedom in Grace

This is a post from my facebook December 15, 2010

About 9 years ago two boys left my family, they went back to live with their mom.  I loved those two little (then) guys! To this day I still love them and am blessed to see them when I get the chance.  When they left my family, I was crushed, mad at God, at their mom, at life, at the justice system at everything I thought that went wrong and the injustice that was served.  Throughout life I had struggled with anger (blamed mainly on my red hair) from a strong personality.  When the boys left the family that anger turned to bitterness and hate.  I hated the people who had taken those I loved from my life.  I struggled with this for years.  I would take my anger out on my siblings, those around me who I loved and trusted suffered.  I built up walls to block out those who could be lovable and who did love me dearly, they all still chose to love me, by the grace of God.  About a year after they left, I entrusted them to God ( i know this sounds silly, but in my 13yr old brain I couldn't release them to Him).  Not too long after I gave God that burden, my little sister (now) came into my family.  She was and still is a bundle of joy.  My willingness to surrender the boys allowed me to love again.  I was able to love and accept this little sister, and to this day she is my favorite sibling (only by a little) :).  The fight was not over, I still took anger and bitterness out on my poor brother, I am not proud of how I treated him, but he's my second favorite sibling now (again only by a little).  This bitterness I clung to until my senior year of high school, the summer after, I began to understand what grace was and how it was freeing.  I fought with my parents throughout that summer, mainly my mom, trying to earn her love. I didn't need to, she loved me (one of the most gracious and loving people) despite me trying to give her a reason.  To an extent, I wanted her to not love me so that I could earn her love (I know this sounds weird, but hey).  One day she took me aside and explained that no matter, and knowing my mom, no matter what I did she was going to love me unconditionally.  It was then that I understood, how to be loved and how to love completely.  I knew that to a greater extent that was how Christ loves us.  That was what grace was.  That God could send His Son to redeem a broken and lost people, trying with all their might to earn His love.  I knew then that all of the bitterness that I held, needed to given into God's hands for it to thrown as far as the east is from the west.  God did that for me and I found freedom.  I still have moments of anger, I'm human, but I can release that into His hands and allow him to take it. I knew how to love, granted sometimes I struggle loving people! :) And I began to learn how to be loved.  I am only explaining this to say that His grace is enough because today when I heard the news that those two precious boys had been in a car wreck with their mom, I found peace in that grace.  I was angry for a moment... as anyone should in that situation, but then trusted that He was in the midst of the situation.  As family members and friends struggled with emotions of anger, fear and worry,  I looked to the Savior for Grace to cover me.  God is in there right now watching over them and taking care of them.  If I had not been shown what grace really was, today would have been a heck of a lot harder! I guess this is kind of rambling but it's what was laid on my heart in today and I thought I would share!

<3 jojo