I wish/ I am

This is a fairly old post from facebook, April 30, 2007


Do I really know myself?
Who am I?
How do others see me?

I wish I knew the answers to the questions in my head.
I feel like I am shallow, as if I only come to the surface.
But… really who am I?
I wish I knew!

I feel like I know myself, but… then is that just a cover.
I want to discover the real me.
Am I bouncy, hyper, energetic or… is that just to get attention?

I tell others I am transparent…but…I really am opaque.
I have two surfaces, one is open and see-through, the other is hidden… so hidden… I don’t even know it.
I wish I knew myself.
I wish I knew me inside out.

I’m not tough, no! …just tough-skinned.
I’m not unemotional… I’m just de-emotionalized.
I may never be beautiful in human eyes but… so what, who cares… GOD sees a beautiful me no one else does.
I flirt with the boys to get attention and then they run and hide.
I go to the gym to run and hide from my problems but they are still there when I come out.
I feel like my life is an online profile, where I only post what I want others to know about me.
I wish I could be real!

I don’t trust people.
I try to avoid emotion.
I am the chair that gets tripped over in the dark.
I am just standing waiting to be tripped on.
I am a leader because I don’t want to get left behind.
I am outgoing because otherwise I am invisible.
I am busy because otherwise I am consumed with worry, frustration and fear.
Fear of being alone.
Frustration with not measuring up.
I try to conform.
I want to be perfect to everyone.
I tease but don’t always like to be teased back.
I am something I don’t want to be.
I feel as if I annoy everybody and then they annoy me.
Why do I feel this way?

I am incomplete in Christ.
GOD sees me deep inside beyond this crap.
I wanna see myself.
I want to discover what’s under this cover.
I want to read the story that is inside of me.